~~ What is Fear ~~?

As we approach a certain age,
it seems our fears are getting stronger and more frequent.
What are we afraid of?
Being alone, dying alone, getting old and no one wants us.
Fear of abandonment is the number one reason for depression among
the older generation..My generation.
The internet is providing us with entertainment, connections, and sometimes love.
Lets face it without the web most of us would be climbing the walls.
Why is that? why do we surrender to this screen in front of us and feel helpless without it?
Lets be clear, what is available in my age group would not entice me.
I like young, and I like intelligent.
Not good looking and cocky.
Men my age, that went through the same life as us women did
had enough and want to be free.
So why do we need to chase them and oblige them to take us on.
Are we that fantastic that their lives is meaningless without us.
I wouldn’t wish me on my worst enemy.
I’m full of anger and resentment, and I will probably be that way till the day I dye
But I’m also full of passion and creativity.
Once I decided to let the notion of couplehood behind me
I discovered myself in such a way that I never thought I could be.
The real me
There might be a few options, but is this my priority?

We wear black to hide ourselves.
Black is a sign of depression, bitterness and death.
Wear black, only to compliment another
For example:
It’s what I look like before my son and I sat down to dinner530400_10151809582524060_1035316081_n

That’s him facing me.

Not a very happy camper.
Sad to see him so unsatisfied.
I often wondered what I did, to make him so unhappy.
I have no more reasons to ask myself that question.
The answer is very clear.
“I did my best, I did what I knew at the time.
Can’t change it, no matter what.
It’s his life to discover,  just as I did mine.

Last night.
I had an awesome chat with my son.
He assured me that I was the best mother he could have had,
and he is grateful for having me to raise him, considering my upbringing.
I guess he got it..
We are not responsible, we are just the messenger..
It’s up to us to deliver the massage how we see fit.
He also told me he is not planing to have any children.
I am proud of his decision and stand by it 100%..
Children have to be WANTED, than planed..No granny title here..

I have no reason to regret anything.
My life was never spectacular.

I’m sure there are a lot of women that share these sentiments.
In all 59 years on this planet, I have no recollection of any memorable events.
No, It’s not Dementia.
It’s my reality.
Poor me?
No! Why feel sorry for myself.
I no longer wallow in misery and self pity.
I did it most of my life.. I was brought up in it,
I needed to detach myself from this condition.
Now I choose to be myself, no matter how difficult it is.
Although I was never good enough, thanks for razing me.
All I can say now,  you did what you knew.
I am now taking matters into my own hands
Understanding  my limits to how much misery I can swallow.
I decided it’s time to stop grabbing onto anything.
This is my NOW.
My reality is that I am alone.
No boyfriend, no friends close by. No need or desire for any.
I don’t need anyone’s’ opinion or criticism.
Just me and my Sandy.
Every day I make it a point to dress up.
No makeup, no fancy duds
Just being my self..
I open the music and feel my rhythm.
The wardrobe will follow.
Want to feel good ?
Than we ‘Must’ look good.
It goes hand in hand.

Oversize clothes make us look and feel indifferent.


Dress sexy without looking ridiculous.
Most people have an impression that I am crazy..
That’s because most people don’t ‘Understand’ passion and commune sense.
We stay in miserable marriages,
cling onto people that for whatever reason, make our blood boil.
I see couples avoiding each other, men who stray.
Friends that bash each-other behind their backs.

Why do we live in misery?
What is the reason we can’t face the truth about our surroundings?

It’s all in the name of fear.

After a certain age we find ourselves alone and bitter.
No one smiles anymore.
I often wonder, “if I can get inside someones head how can I make a difference.”
Women are not friendly and accommodating.
They fear of accepting someone else in their lives.
Fear of competition.
Fear of being over shadowed.
Fear of getting hurt.
Men are indifferent and uncaring.
How can we make this work under such conditions.
I decided to break the chain.
I smile, I hold doors, and I pick up the extra dollar missing to keep the grocery line moving.
That’s all it takes to show kindness.
If that is considered crazy than bring it on.


Get your gear and walk with me

2013-09-24 08-40-54.553