Suicide not the answer

A very touchy subject.
One that I contemplated a few times in my life.

It’s been a while that I wrote in my blog.
Not because I had nothing to say, I had no idea how to say it.
I have major issues to work out and at times the pain is so overwhelming that I feel lost and confused.
How do I put a stop to it?
How do I overcome the thoughts that cross my mind, and the reality that is my stinky life?
Being called a Leper and a useless piece of shit my entire childhood, didn’t exactly teach me how to deal with rejection and disappointments.
Here I am approaching 60 and I feel as useless and unwanted as ever.
Loneliness has no cure.
The only calls I get are from clients, and the everyday depressing call from my father,
who’s only advice to me is  ‘to be careful’..
Of what?
No one to talk to and no one to listen.
It’s hard to comprehend that someone who has so much to offer has so little support

Being alone is not always a choice, it’s a condition that many people face..
I have a lot of interests, and I do my best to keep busy.
I know I’m destined for greatness, I just don’t know how to attain it.
I feel confused about my mission.
What saddens me is knowing that if I die, I will not be missed.
I am alone and the only regent I have, is leaving my cat unattained.
However suicide Is so final. Yet for some it’s the only way out.
I have to confess that I had a few close calls.
The latest was in the past few weeks.
I felt trapped in a meaningless and useless life.
One that has no end.
Yet time moves fast, and nothing we can do will stop the process,
unless we are willing to pull the plug ourselves.
The only thing that stops me is the thought that it’s irreversible.
My mind and body is giving me signals of age and deterioration.
But I chose to fight the process by keeping fit and active both mind and soul.
Not sure how long I have to live but I would like to know that I didn’t live in vain.
That my life as I know it, had some kind of meaning, some kind of purpose.
Suffering is one thing, but making the best with what we are given, takes strength and determination.
I know I have both, the rest is patience and acceptance.

Three Years later

Money is always an issue for every one, yet the more we talk and think about it the less we get.
In my case, I know the universe is providing me with what I need, and that’s all I need to know.
The rest will be if it’s meant to.

What I desire more than anything, is one good friend that I can have fun and enjoy life with.
It seems that this is the hardest thing to attain.
Not sure why, but I seem to detach myself from every one I knew.
My lack of tolerance is at it’s lowest, and my outspoken ways have offended those that are weak and unrealistic.
Those that have issues of their own, seem to be judgmental and very critical of others.
I guess it’s easier to see faults in others, than to accept the imperfection in ourselves.
Am I perfect?
YES! ~  Absolutely..
I am who I am, and if one takes time to know me, will realize that there is more to me than what’s on the surface.

Yes I am suffering from depression, loneliness and rejection.
It’s a condition I lived with all my life.
I guess if my own family shunned me, what should I expect from strangers.
But I chose to live through it, and fight it with all the strength I can muster..
For suicide is not my choice to end the pain.
But living and striving  without medication booze or drugs.
Ok, the casual joint 😉

I don’t feel sorry for those that chose to end it.
This doesn’t show a sign of weakness.
It was their time to go.

It’s not mine..


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