I had a Baby Boy, Now I Have a Son.

Once in a while I go trough boxes and drawers, to refresh the load.
A clean environment makes all the difference.
As I search carefully inside folders, I  find traces of my past life.

Not sure where it all went, but for some reason I feel ageless.
Once I let go of my past, I feel free to explore my inner possibilities.
We can’t help who we feel attraction towards.

*It’s not love.*

Love is a word, nothing more.
We  possess feelings so deep, they are unbreakable no matter what.
Those real intense feelings we only get to experience when we let go of what we can’t have.
I realized, that I can’t force or be forced to love or be loved.
We are taught that family is everything.
By whom?
My mom told me that without her friends she would have no life.
My son is boasting about his friends.
Where does it leave me?
*  Free to love myself *
Desires, are feelings that can be controlled
if we open out mind to what the desire is about.
Than, move on.
Love comes from the head
Desire is from our soul.
Mix them well, and get
* * *
Once I had a baby boy.
One whom I cherished and honored.
Spoiled and gave into all his caprices.
Also added value and culture into his life.
* * *
Never pushed him,  I never saw a reason to.
He was loving and very sweet.
He loved school and his passion was writing.

In English composition, he won 3rd place in the province of Quebec.
He was in grade 3
However he wasn’t happy,  he wanted to be first.
That didn’t come from me, it was his determination to be the best.
‘Trying to be good is the best one can be’, I always told him that.

I let him fly on his own, but  kept a soft mattress under him.
He fumbled, I was there to pick up and let him move on.
Never told him ‘you should have’, or ‘I told you so’.
I never told him anything.
I don’t have a crystal ball, and he wouldn’t listen anyway.
How would  it have change the circumstance.
Letting him learn from his mistakes was my way of teaching him to be independent.
He tells me repeatedly, that I am, and always was a great mom.
I don’t disagree.
He has no reason to lie.
He even wrote me appreciation notes, throughout his childhood
to remind me how much he loves me.

The boy knew my taste in music. Got to give him that.
The note was attached to this CD

I was very moved at the time.
Not long afterwards, I realized
These are nothing but empty words..
That was then.
*Now, I have a son*

IMG_6705 (2)
He’s 33 and still unattached.
If I end up homeless, all he will offer me is his sympathy.
As my mother did to me.
This is my Karma”
The magic of life is to accept my meant to be, and live my NOW!
A few months upon receiving that note (2005 on mothers day),
he moved to New York, and firmly slammed, and locked the door behind him.
Why fight and be bitter?

He threw  in my face that “I never punished him”.
To him, that indicated that I didn’t care enough.
* * *
I resent his behavior, but I feel it’s his cross to bear.
I did all I had in my power to please him.
Just like any other man I wasted so many years on.
Nothing was pleasing him.
He is my son. at the time I felt I had no choice.
Note I said had

After repeatedly watching that taping I realized.
“If the Fucker wanted to see me, he wold do anything to make it happen”.
Why am I crying over him?
Because I felt a need to grab for his love that is non existent.
He’s aware of  all I did to help him get to where he is.
I see no reason to remind him.
I tried bonding again in August 2013
Treated him to an all expense trip to Las Vegas.
No change in his behavior, still arrogant and selfish.
Still cold and distant. Every mothers dream.
A son who ignores and disrespects.
I can see the look of discontent on his face.


I no longer  live by gratitude and empty words.
I did my job, I did it well.

It’s about me now
Am I mad?
But it helps no one, to hold a grudge.
I can’t push anyone to accept me,.
Just being real
Honest and Direct.

And this is my cross to bear

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