Mother, is Only a Name

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With a broken soul and a heavy heart, I’m writing this today.
All the  A to Z reasons, why I have to stay away
It’s not that I don’t love you, It’s not that I don’t care.
Your constant putdowns and displeasure of me, are more than I can bare

Everything I have ever done, was never good enough
You bullied and  beat me senseless, and always acted tough.
Every day I would wake up,  in fear of abuse and neglect
You did things to me Mom, that I can not forget.

Your vulgar mouth, your consonant threats, your hands accosting me.
That need for attention and love, from every one else you see
The praises you only give yourself, the perfection you believe to be
All my faults you always correct, every time you look at me.

Those  fancy shoes, designer clothes, you flaunted in my face
Showing me pictures of foreign trips, you forced me to embrace
The parties you would go to, leaving me locked up  alone
Without a babysitter, to play and help me feel safe at home

I know you’re suffering, and in need of attention.
But were were you, when I needed protection?
My childhood years were a nightmare I can’t forget
Yet you have no remorse no compassion and no regret

Your tears no longer impress nor move me, I feel no sympathy
I need to turn my back on you, and just take care of me
There is no one in my life, to take my pain and doubt away
And under your controlling clutches, no longer I can stay

You justified that behavior on your  hardships as a child
This wasn’t my cross to bare,  I grew up defensive and wild
You married a man you always considered as a bother
A mean and cruel man who constantly reminds me  “I’m your father”!

A monster in every sense of the word, someone that I grew up to hate
My role model for a husband, a loveless marriage, and every loser’s bate
Teaching me how a man should treat me, was not your main concern
By threats, beatings and punishment, was my only way to learn

The fear I endured at the hands of this man, were instigated by you
Inventing  stories without research, you made him believe were true
I cried myself to sleep, angry and frustrated, wishing I was dead
Bruised and battered with open bleeding soars, staining my bed

Every cent you ever lend me, came with a bill attached to it
And if I was late with payment, you gave me so much shit
As I struggled to be happy, as a mother and a wife
All you did was judged and mocked me, for ruining  my life

I married a man I did not love, to get away from the abuse
With no guidance and no advice, on to how to share my views
Every time I opened my mouth, to say what’s in my heart
Your lack of caring and compassion, drew us more apart

I have to say this time around, that I have no regret
And everything you ever done, I’m trying to forget
I feel no love, I feel no hate, I have no feelings left for you
I just want you to admit, that all I said is true.

I never hear a word of praise, something to elevate my soul
Encourage me to be myself to learn to take control
I learned to hit, I learned to yell I learned to grab a man
And I also learned to do what ever it takes, to learn to live again

2013-09-24 08-40-54.553