A sad ending to a sad life ~Amanda ~Her Story~

For years, I’m tormented by this life changing event.
How is it possible to have so much drama and  tragedy within the walls of our surroundings.
And not wonder
‘How can we change the course of our existence’?
This is where the phrase
‘What if’
Was superficially created.
We can’t change the course of what was .
IT WAS  ‘A meant to be’
Other wise we’ll reinvent the wheel .

Amanda (Randy) Lehrer
My second cousin from my father’s side.
A beautiful young woman.
I haven’t seen her in over 20 years.
Although I attempted to connect throughout the years,
we can lead a horse to water.
We don’t chose our family, we inherit it.
Daughter of my first cousin.
A man who abandoned his family when the girls were infants.
Along with all responsibilities as a father.
The young babysitter looked a lot more appetizing
than his lazy overweight than wife, and mother of his two children.
An abusive violent man, who molested and blackmailed me, his younger cousin,
throughout my entire teen years.
A man who beat and verbally abused his wife while they were dating,
yet she saw fit to marry him and have two children with.
What did she expect?
She saw it coming but she had to have him.
This is the story of most woman of my generation.
We had to get married..
Even if he runs us over with a tank, we’ll find ways to tame him, even if it kills us.
And often he does.
If they want to leave us,
WE must thank them for putting us out of our misery.
And not! beg them to take us back.”
Specially if we have children with them.
Admit we fuckd up and leave it behind.
If they stay and drive us crazy. what examples we show our daughters?
Or sons.

Note the color brown  😉
After their father abandoned the nest.
In steps grandma, and takes over their entire life.
“Where was Mommy?”
Busy playing cards and gallivanting all over the place
While granny swopped in and molded the shape of thing to come.
This is a mother who raised a molesting, drunk,
(yet very successful, according to her) son.
First on the agenda was making sure she was never to be called grandma.
She will me known as ‘mama’.
She can keep her youth that way.

One of the three does not fit in.
Guess which one?
Baby Amanda ( Randy)
A smile of an angel.
The kindest sweetest little girl.
Always exuded happiness and bliss.
Yet she never experienced the joy and love she so sadly ached for.
Living with a morbidly obese mother,
Both sisters  grew up chubby teen.
As life leads us onto different paths, I lost contact with the girls.
Occasionally I would run into them or hear about them through other acquaintances.
Older sister Ruby settled down , married and found her way to a happy life.
Amanda’s path took a different direction.
She seemed to have trouble finding her way.
Moved to New York, came back to Montreal, desperately trying to find love.
Her choices of men were less than desirable.
How can she know the kind of men she needed?
When her memories of a man, were those of her drunk father.
Swearing, kicking and stepping on her.
In front of his well coiffed lawn in California.
A great talent in art and fashion.
At the age of 28,
Amanda completed a training course in fashion design.
I was very happy to help her get into the industry.
There was an opening in my place of work and I recommended her for an apprentice position.
This is when I got to know Randy the adult.
Since she was in transition, she was back living with her mother.
Not an ideal situation.
I noticed the resentful manner she was talking about  her mother.
I invited her to stay with me, till she gets back on her feet.
Living in constant in fear of looking like her mother, she spend days not eating.
Who can blame her?, But who was there to tell her different?
I noticed Randy’s demeanor was one of anger and resentment.
One of total control, and self loathing at the same time.
Very difficult to live with someone who has no understanding of right or wrong.

In a lot of ways, I saw myself at her age.
While living with me, we went to work together.
Every morning Amanda was getting high and becoming dis-responded.
I have nothing against a toke after work,
but how can one be technical and efficient under the influence?
Not very.
Two weeks into her employment my boss bluntly told me ”
Get rid of her! ~ Like a useless commodity.
During that two week period, Randy managed to make me regret all my efforts.
I tried to reason with her.
I was not successful.
Randy had her path all mapped out.
Her anger and resentment was taking over her existence.
It wasn’t up to me to lead her, since her meant to be was just that.
No what ifs.
No regrets
The pain that Amanda felt in her heart was so deep
the only way for her to heal was to be loved.
According to her.
Her decision to move back to New York was impulsive like every thing she did.
Without thinking or planing.
Before her departure to New Jersey, we spend an evening together.
We ate we smoked we laughed we bonded.
I asked her to talk to me, to spill out her heart,  it will help her to heal.
As women we all need some one to listen to us.
To understand without judging
Someone who knows how we feel because our circumstances were similar.

It was clear there were differences between her and her older sister.
MAMA always made sure to point them out.
Mostly her looks
Amanda looked like her mother
While Big sister had similar looks as her Grandmother.
She lived under the shadow of her older sister, who every one
loved and pampered, specially her grandmother.
Amanda felt like a leftover, an unwanted mistake that was forced upon
the family without being planed nor wanted.
Everything she ever did was always compared to her sister.
Never good enough, never encouraged, never taken seriously.
Randy’s birthdays were always celebrated in grandeur, showered with expensive gifts
While little Amanda always had something from Grandmas Drawer.
She knew it.  She felt it. She resented it.

Listening to her, felt like I was reliving my own nightmare.
The one I never measured up to was my mother.
Potato Patato

Amanda’s anger was not only annoying but also dangerous.
Her rage was always directed to those she had no control nor could defend herself against.
As a baby, I adored her.
When she was born I was constantly looking for ways to be around her.
As an adult, I could only feel pity and resentment towards her bad behavior.
Couldn’t wait til she moved out
Watching her lost in hatred and anger was beyond what I knew how to deal with.
I had to learn on my own to handle my rage and disappointments.
The only advice I gave her that made sense at the time, was to be aware.
She will push the wrong button
and there will be no going back.
September 5th 2011, I receive a phone call from the Montreal Police
asking me if I know or seen a woman named Randy Lehrer.
They also wanted to know if I had any relation to her.
“Randy lives in Jersey, why would I see her and why are you calling me regarding her were-about?
She  always gets herself in trouble and my first instinct was that she must have done something to have the police go after her.
Five weeks passed.
At 6 pm the local news started with a picture of a woman I recognized.
A woman holding a baby.
A cold chill went through my spine

The body of a Montreal woman missing for the last six weeks has been discovered
encased in concrete at her New Jersey home, her mother says.

Randy Lehrer’s mother Rose Moncarz told CBC News that police in Jersey City found her daughter’s body at the apartment she shared with her husband.
The body was stuffed into a 55-gallon oil drum and encased in concrete.

Lehrer, 32, originally from the Côte St-Luc area, was living in Jersey City and was last seen Aug. 12 leaving her job at a restaurant.
Her daughter was 10 months old at the time of her disappearance.

Lehrer’s husband reported her missing several days later, telling police she left following an argument.

Lehrer’s mother says her daughter’s body was identified through her tattoos. ((Family photo))
Police in Jersey City said he then became uncooperative and investigators were forced to use court orders and subpoenas

Moncarz said police initially identified her daughter by her tattoos.
“I’m not doing good,” Moncarz said. “How can a mother lose a child?
How can a mother bury her own child?
No mother goes before her kids.”

“How? She asks
Easy, when you don’t care,
Anything can happen
Asking how and why are not going to bring her back
It will not clear your continence, if you have any.
And Mother is not the title I would give you Mrs Moncarz
After all, it was MAMA that you allowed in their lives, to hurt and degrade
until it became irreversible .
She threw money at you in return of total control of your children.
This is what some mothers-in law, do.
Take over
And what mother allows their child to call grandma  MAMA?
One who sees herself profit, not the child.

Steven Acuna, 40, throttled his wife, 32-year-old Randy (Amanda) Lehrer,
during an argument in their Jersey City Heights home in August 2011, prosecutors said.
Acuna pleaded guilty to aggravated manslaughter last October.


A New Jersey man convicted of strangling his wife and stuffing her body in a 55-gallon drum will spend the next 22 years in prison.
Steven Acuna, 40, throttled his wife, 32-year-old Randy (Amanda) Lehrer, during a confrontation inside their Jersey City Heights home in August 2011, Hudson County prosecutors say.Lehrer, who had a 1-year-old daughter, was found inside the cement-filled drum in the basement of their Charles St. building about a month later.Acuna, who has already spent two years in prison, pleaded guilty to aggravated manslaughter in October
Acuna apologized to Lehrer’s family during a brief statement he made before he was sentenced, the paper reported.
Lehrer’s daughter, now 3, has been in the custody of her mother’s family

Poor  little Amanda.
The joy of loving her daughter was taken away from her.
All she wanted was love.
The title of Mother she held on to so dearly, ended in a pool of rage and hatred.
Eventually with her death.
An orphan little girl, who will  grow up calling big sister Randy that title.
Every one who knew her was shocked and outraged at this event.
She was praised and put on a pederast.
But it was so far from the truth.
She was wild and unpredictable, angry and vicious.
She was out of control. and no one saw it.
If they did it was obvious she dealt with her daemons alone.
I did not attend her funeral. My grief was genuine and sincere…
Couldn’t see myself facing all those who wronged her and hypocritically mourned her death.
In my own way I celebrated her life..
A life that was tormented and destroyed by ignorance and selfishness.
R.I.P little princess.
You are in a better place.
2013-09-24 08-40-54.553